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Mountain Lions, Wolves, and Bears... Oh My!!! I met them all in one night. [Aug. 20th, 2013|12:06 am]
Me and Nick wanted a romantic roll on the dunes one weekend this summer, and since it is about to be over we figured we better fit it in! We went last weekend, found some Molly and went to the West Coast of the state to camp. The campsite I had in mind was crowded!!!!!!! No room. Checked out another one... a few were open but there were children everywhere and no alcoholic beverages allowed. This is obviously a problem if your pupils are huge, and you are way too happy to be a human... people can tell something is up and on top of that they weird me out. Every place was the same except Silver Lake's campsite Sandy Shores so we stayed there knowing there was a long hike of dunes ahead of us to get to a secluded area of the lake instead of a nice stroll for a long time on the shore... (which was a bit of a problem because we picked up the molly the night beforehand and they offered us a small snort to approve of the pureness for our cash and it was really good... and we found out that the high lasts as long as taking it orally unlike the shortness of coke which is the only thing we ever tried to snort before. Well besides Aderol. So we were awake the entire night and I didn't sleep ANY of the night but tried forever....Anyway...). It took us a while to get settled due to our bad planning but decided to go to the state park and roll, we would be there for some sun and the sunset!!! It was a nice hike, taking our time and we started to feel it by the time we got to the big lake. BUUUUUT since we had taken some the previous night and slept none we decided we would be happier if we took the rest we were going to save. We watched the sunset and talked about some stuff we never talked about before, deep in thought on a piece of driftwood far down the beach. This would probably be what I would be writing about had it been any other diary entry sort of day because that was a wonderful experience alone, weird conversations bring you closer to each other and it was very meaningful. I am so in love with him... like never before... we talked about the things we went through coming together and some weird stuff here and there... you know. However, what happened next was way too much more crazy and I need to get to that.

The stars started to come out and we thought it would be nice to walk and have a smoke, then find a place for our blanket and look at the stars for just a little while before we went back to the campsite to eat a hot dog and play guitar together. However... we didn't make it back to the campsite till the wee hours of the morning.

He stops, scared and I ask him what he is looking at. He asks "Is that a stray dog? Do you see a human?" and I said something like idk but we can just head back now then so we don't have to find out he is a mean stray or something. So we walk the other way and he says "What is that?!?!?!?!?!" and shines his flashlight and it was a BLACK BEAR!!!!! SOOOOO we decided to turn around and take our chances with the dog until we realized there were more and that it was actually a PACK OF WOLVES...



REALLY?!?! I know Molly doesn't make you hallucinate more than making shapes out of light that you can tell are not real because they don't make sense, and they follow your eye movement in paths...and we tried the same shit the night before and didn't hallucinate anything... it messes with light funny, things shine more and you can play with lights if you squint and wiggle your eyes or something but things that aren't there don't just appear. They were fucking real dude. So we stood there thinking this thought together... whispering... asking where we saw them and they were the same direction and stuff... Yes, we went through that lol we knew we were on drugs... and he walked ahead of me and I clung to his back and whispered "don't run... Don't move... and don't look at them. We have to be completely boring... they are predators not scavengers, they are attracted to motion. If we act like prey, they will think of us as prey. We are not running or scared, just here and not exciting. If we run they will catch us. They are fast and we are not fast on dunes... and they swim too." When he talked they would look cuz he was facing away from me and didn't want to cause motion by turning so he was quiet for EVER and sometimes I would whisper... but for 6 hours (or 5 but not exaggerating by much... a long time. forever.) We stood there trying not to move. Not to look at them much. look down look up... don't open your eyes too wide they shine in the moonlight. We were in direct moonlight, it felt like a spot light.

At the beginning of us standing there, right away the bear and the pack of wolves with some stray dogs mixed into the group go into the water to fish. The dogs were moving so fast in the water... I couldn't even tell how many there were because they were in the dark and we were in this moon spotlight (probably the drugs playing with the light... it was SO BRIGHT where we were it seemed! The moon was very full though, so we were visible to them... probably not in a moon spotlight for real lol) It was weird enough for me to question what I saw... but again it doesn't make things that aren't there at all appear. I had to keep reminding myself of this because my instincts just told me I wanna get out of here I can't do this anymore we need to get out of here lets just go... but I didn't want to be a moving object they might like to hunt. I definitely saw 2 black bears in front of us and a bunch of smaller things every once in a while, just roaming around all over right in front of us. We pondered the thought of walking back inching quite slowly, so as to not draw attention. I looked at the sand to the left and there was a wolf staring at us!!! When I looked I saw him crouch and start to get closer to us so I said "there is a wolf don't look dont' look don't look!!" then I look to the right and at first I didn't see anything... then I saw a big mass of brown, about the same color as the sand, move toward me and 2 eyes shining in the moonlight fairly high from the sand and said "DONT LOOK DON'T LOOK DON'T LOOK just stay... please please don't move." We did not just hallucinate the same thing in the same direction. It was a brown colored bear! We freaked out again that it was actually real and I could not stop shaking... out of fear I was trembling hard core like if I was not hanging on to Nick I would not have been able to stand on my own legs at all. We were fucking surrounded. Forever. Predators who could eat us easily if they wanted to taste a little human... all around us. If one decided they wanted to eat us, the others would join. Not good. not good... So stay still we did because they seemed to know we were there, standing in that moon spotlight motionless, keeping their distance but an eye on us in curiosity to see what our intentions were. Our intentions remained to stand our ground and not get eaten. I took quick glimpses every once in a while because... there were fucking bears and wolves everywhere... and I wanted them to go away and when they did we would leave. Then after a while I started to question if it was Molly they gave us but no hallucinogenic drug makes the ground and waves and moon look so realistic while things that really aren't there appear in all the same directions to 2 different people... but still.. wtf there are too many and they are still there so I opened my eyes wider to look toward the end when they started to seem to get further from us. Some waves I mistook for wolves, yes, I was squinting and it was dark so sometimes some wolves would dissapear but I didn't want them to see my eyes shining at them so I squinted... But opening my eyes wider too early was probably a mistake because the ones I looked at started to come nearer to us again. Some actually came up and sniffed us cautiously... well first they crouched and then when they got close and we still didn't run they got up and sniffed us so maybe they were not cautious but trying to stalk us as prey till we ran and then didn't so they wondered what was wrong with us and sniffed us to see what was up idk. After looking at the black bear again and having it sniff Nick out while I couldn't even look and just put my head down behind his shaking after he said bear and heard stomping in the sand nearby... I figured I should not look at the brown bear over to the right ever again because it had not been eating fish... It just stood staring at us making sure we didn't go anywhere. Wtf. Okay.

Well standing still like this went on for hours on end. I had lost my mind a long time ago... but it was all I could do to fight my flight or fight response instinct... I wanted to run out of there so bad I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! But at the same time I was in awe of these amazing creatures. After all I was PEAKING on Molly at this time, usually euphoric sensations come over you and you are in love with EVERYTHING around you... so it took some fear away so that I could ignore my flight instinct a little better and think about how awesome they were in their own scary way. So cute... but so deadly. The bears were HUGE and the wolves so agile and organized as a group without language as us humans know it. I prayed more that night than I ever have before... appreciating God's wonderful creation while begging for him to spare me from becoming a different part of it, like energy for the bear or wolves. I told him I wasn't done living yet, thanked him for giving me a good guardian angel all these years and sorry to put her on overtime tonight but I really need her to survive tonight. It was so weird to have these two extreme emotions together all night... amazement at their beauty and kinda cuteness/fear of these fuzzy guys ripping us to pieces!!!

Then... all of a sudden... we shifted and fell because our legs couldn't do the standing and we were shaking and something went wrong and down we went. Abrupt movement surrounded by predators... not good. The wolf to the left went back and howled into the woods for backup, and within moments we were surrounded by all sorts of wolves and stray dogs running back and forth... I just put my head on his shoulder and prayed because usually they do this to prey before they attack from all sides. I do not want to be prey. No thanks...

We discussed whether to run again or not quietly while the wolves and stray dogs danced around us playing with each other as if saying hello, but surrounding us so we couldn't go any direction without running into one. I hid my face in Nick's shoulder for a while because... yea... what do I do? Our options: Swim, run back over the dunes, or stay where we were. Can't leave the circle without running into one of them so.. stay it is. Staying still and not acting like prey has worked so far while they were preoccupied with fish... so... I prayed again that it would work still. And that they had full bellies after fishing so long. After they stopped their dance and we didn't do anything they all crouched and this white wolf came to sit off a bit to the left and not too long after a fucking MOUNTAIN LION (yea... at first I was confused because I didn't know any feline larger than a bobcat lived in MI but they do I guess. Ha I seriously thought "WHERE ARE WE NOW?!?! AFRICA?? WTF IS THIS GUY?") came and sat down next to the white wolf. yea. they are friends?! Idk. Anyway, these crouching wolves were ready to pounce if we moved toward any of them. Then this weird lookin short dog with a wrinkly face came and sat right in front of us all friendly, like if it could talk it would say "Hey guys! Have you met my friends the wolves? :D" tongue sticking out panting all cute. And a stray cat, like grey with black stripes house cat, came over for a second and stared at us, and when we didn't pet it she decided to stroll away again. One stray dog even tried to lay all cute next to Nick but we didn't pet them because we didn't know if the Wolves would understand this gesture and attack us for touching one of their kind. We stood our ground, sat on it rather at this point, and I was afraid that one would attack us from behind since we were sitting. I asked him to hold me and we ended up laying huddled surrounded by wolves, stray dogs, and a fucking MOUNTAIN LION now while the bears were still playing in the water fishing. The last thing I remember that night was hearing shuffling in the sand, then feeling and hearing snouts sniffing us. At that point my brain was like "NOPE" and just shut down. Couldn't deal.

We both wake and the sun is up. We stare at each other in disbelief and hold each other tight, I have never been so happy to be alive!!!! As soon as we ask each other if they are gone we hear: "snoof snoof... snoof snoof..." deep sniffing... I knew there were 2 of them but I didn't see them I just heard and felt snouts again at my back. We laid there... trying to play dead but not doing a good job it was SO COLD and the blanket was cold and wet with dew and we were scared so... trembling is not still... and trying to breathe silently but that doesn't happen while shaking violently out of control like I do when I am cold. I seizure when I am cold I swear and even when my life depends on it I cannot fucking STOP SHIVERING omg... but Nick saw them when they ran off and told me they were the black bears and we flipped for a second but too soon because we heard them thumping back to our direction to see what the commotion was about. Same thing again. Idk how many times this happened but eventually we got up and ran back down the shore, up and over all those dunes as fast as we could muster (which was not fast because we hadn't eaten for way too long and running on dunes is really hard... and I slowed us down of course... I am not a quick one that's for sure. I get morning sickness from the pill if I don't eat breakfast, so I also felt like barfing and falling over... Goooood Morning....). We saw another brown bear in the distance and Mountain Lions standing on top of a dune overlooking the land in the early morning sunlight on our way out that morning many hours later validating the realness of last night... and when we got out of there I was so relieved!!!! I have never felt more thankful or alive before in my life. I couldn't stop thinking that I had met 2 black bears, LOTS of wolves, stray dogs with them, a brown bear of some sort, and a mountain lion last night?!?!?!
I am alive!!!

So, turns out when the sign says the parking lot gate closes at 10, you should probably just plan not to be in a state park after dark. Get the hell outta there quick, those are protected grounds so animals like those. I thought it would be safe because I remembered walking over so much sand and there were like no trees but I don't have a good memory... it was more than a thin line of trees... Just don't be in a state park after dark, predators don't get shot by humans there. They are all waiting there for you. I can't believe that happened to me still, so surreal. Probability just would have it that at least one of those predators would have like bit us to see if we could be eaten... or not liked the way I looked at it with my enlarged pupils in the moonlight...

Why didn't they eat us after we slept and they sniffed us? I sometimes grind my teeth when stressed and in my sleep and my jaw hurts still 2 days later... maybe they didn't like the noises we were making, snoring and grinding and him farting and stinking while we smelled like sweat, chemicals, and cigarettes? Nick said out of the corner of his eye sometimes he saw a man-like white figure but when he turned to see it, it disappeared. I know I have a sweet guardian angel, she has been there for me before I know it. I know God has plans for me, and still needs me to be here. I know I am not done living, there is so much I have left to do... and being terrified of being ripped to shreds and not knowing if a bear, wolf, stray dog, or mountain lion will do it at any moment is pretty eye opening. I have never been so close to death before, to the point of seeing my life as THAT VALUABLE!!! I know logically that I could die any day, but there is something about it being so real... and then being spared. Like... we didn't just see a bear or a wolf or a mountain lion... we met them all and left without even a scrape or bruise. I felt like Daniel in the Lion's Den man... it was insane. And logically I have thought this thought, that God put us here to be who he created us to be that's in our nature, so we need to be who we are to do the things we need to do on this planet before we die, but I haven't had it so in my face before. I am here to be me and change the world the way I will because it is God's will and he is with me, in such a present way that he spared my life so obviously?!?! To help me realize this in a bigger way, to give me confidence to do what I need to do because it needs to be done so bad he held all these things back from eating me? What if we had gone the previous weekend as planned? I would have been pmsing and bleeding, the smell of blood could have attracted them and then we are dinner. Then all the other ones being terrible places to trip, the ones we wanted to go to and checked out 1st for so long before going to this one... so seeing these guys was all part of God's plan too... like he needed me to wake up and realize I am on the right path and to do the best I can do, not to fake anything but to be me the way he created me and make the world a better place the best that I can do. What if I hadn't gotten the Molly? I may not have taken the time to consider them as being illusions, and just went off instinct: run. That would have been bad... I'm not quick and would have been dinner before I made it over one dune. I wouldn't have appreciated their unique majestic qualities either... I would have just... been eaten. I would have acted like prey on instinct and they would have seen me as such. It is just way too amazing... and crazy... like I had to have exaggerated it but they were all there in that circle I saw their eyes shine while they crouched. I made one last look full circle, just quick not to try to intimidate but just so they knew I knew they were there before I laid down too... and woke up alive. And so was Nick. We made it through the night alive. And the next morning... just to make us realize it was a real thing that happened we could have died and still can.
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To vent and kill boredom [May. 2nd, 2012|06:37 pm]
[Current Location |Walter's House]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |Bonanza in the background lol]

I have picked up a habit at work. I do it about once every time I'm here. I call it "going upsidedowning" lol. I hang off the edge of the guestroom bed upsidedown just to feel the blood rush to my head I get SOOO BORED sometimes being here for 24 hours!!! Thats a long time sometimes!! There is only so much cleaning, cooking, and watching to do. I wouldn't get so bored if he could talk better poor guy mumblestudders and finds talking frustrating now for the most part. He doesn't say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say... lol like an ent. Poor Walter. I wonder what he thinks of his last days, and why his daughters won't take him to Tenesee. He asks me all the time if I will take him to Nashville! He wants me to go too cuz I let him listen to country (no one else likes country... it's okay I think after being exposed to it through family, some weird friends, and the Pet Store and now Walter it's actually growing on me?) (I'm also an in-home caregiver Walter is 86 with althimerz, glaucoma, and mesothelioma probably none of which I can spell right). I have watched SO MANY WESTERNS seriously re-runs of Bonanza too by now. I've seen the episode with Isabella De Lacueata or whatever for the 4th time today lol. Women in westerns are so weird. Gracefully weak might be a way to describe some of them.

The old lady I take care of for a few hours every once in a while, Siiri (92 just had hip surgery after a fall but she is otherwise all there and healthy) let me borrow a book called "Out on a Limb". In the book, she is having an affair with a married man and it made me think of my love life even though... I'm completely honest about all of my men to all of them which is good and bad and would NEVER be able to have an affair like her... but the confusion of different lovers is my dillema. She wrote about her dilemma with her Gary man and it clarified some things for her in the book so I'll give it a shot then.

I'm not fake about it... any of them. I love people, genuinely drawn to Nick and I love getting to know him better as time goes on... I loved Dean, which is why I asked him to be my boyfriend over a year ago. Felt like... I loved him but there is something missing I've always dreamed would be there so maybe I'm not "in love" with him maybe? Broke up with him... but we can't stay apart as long as I am single!!! He hasn't technically been my "boyfriend" since but... aww Dean is Dean and he knows how to pull my heart strings and push my buttons and he's seriously SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH ME I'm scared and don't know what to do with it? He says he'll never love again if he can't have me... and that hurts... but what's missing in him is there in Nick but Nick doesn't love me so strong as Dean, and I won't let myself love Nick that strong yet either. I am not sure if he's holding back too? I would if I were him. We both started seeing eachother out of a fun-lovin spirit, just broke up with serious relations and said we didn't want anything serious but loved the fact we both played guitar and sang well and enjoy many of the same things and have many similarities. As time went on... we grew more attached I felt that but almost like we had walls up out of hesitancy because the other was hesitant so we had to be too? He seems to move at the pace I do... and I'm used to men trying to swallow me whole so idk how to interpret him... sometimes I think he doesn't give a shit and others he shows how much he does... And he said this was about the reason in a very round about way said that he was afraid to say he loved me, but that we belong together and he doesn't want anyone else... we were both wasted at that point and I can't remember his words but I was like wtf does he mean that?!?! AND he will not ask me to be his girlfriend!!! Has he no balls or is he just saying pretty things? Holy shit why does he get jealous then?!? Does he want me to wait for him? I don't want to in case he's playin. Either you want me or you don't then make up your mind... but I told him a long time ago I didn't want a boyfriend but now I feel like there's only one way to find out? But can he love like I do? I'm scared of him in one way, but scared of Dean in the opposite.

Maybe neither of them are "the one" anyways, maybe even probably neither, but serious soap opera including the other flirtations I accumulated while all 3 of us weren't speaking to eachother. I don't like the others as much anyways it always comes back to those 2. If I got to know Jon more then I might be really confused I could really like him a lot, so I'm glad our schedules do not match at all I don't have time for 3. Poor Alex... he's cute but these 2 are stuck in my head! And James is nice... then there's Joe... Never thought I'd have this problem lol holy shit what the fuck do they all like me for anyways? Well... atleast so much? I'm only kinda cute... kinda talented... kinda smart... kinda funny... I'm alright but shiiiiit dude was never prepared for all this. Then Trisha is insane with schizophrenia as of last year, becomes a crazy alcoholic again and we have a terrible intervention for her (yes my friends tried to make an intervention so if that says something about her drinking problem... it was baaaad!) but it didn't work so we are not on speaking terms, and Jenifer hung herself out of post pardum depression!!! I don't feel like talking about those 2 things at work I'd probably cry in Walter's bathroom... I live... in a soap opera. Right now. Love... not even a triangle but some weird ass shape, maybe a scatter plot with a box thingy like in statistics? wisker box? insanity, and death. I'm sure there will atleast be something really weird to learn from it all. There always is. Maybe it's that men actually do have hearts and I need to be more careful with them while I also protect my own? But then whose heart do I keep? I need to just step back and let it happen as it does maybe. Dean makes me feel like a cat running away from a child that wants to hug it too tight... and Nick makes me think the future will be different if he realizes I'm not playin but then again is he playin? Future... eh makes me think it won't change since men don't do well with that... I don't want to sit around and wait for him like a fool! But maybe he won't trust me till I do? Is it worth breaking Dean's heart worse? Oh decisions. TAQUITOS AND BURRITOS ARE BEEPIN IN THE OVEN READY FOR DIN DIN! Food always had me leave livejournal didn't it?
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Angsty like a teen right now lol blaaaaah [Jan. 8th, 2011|03:50 pm]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |Zappa]

I feel like... mad at my family that I haven't been since I was a teen dude. Fuckin angst style too... pisses me off.

FIRST of all, I don't get to go to a 4 year. If I would have been allowed to go the first year I could have had a better schedule allowing me to finish within atleast 5 years there, instead of a possible 7 overall college years... fucking transferring didn't help at all either. Credits got confused, and HFCC didn't prepare me for shit. My parents learn the hard way on me and allow Beverly to go to a four year her first year. Which is great that they can learn, because she definitally doesn't need to go through that and Betty couldn't have gone to a community college with her degree because NOTHING would have transferred. That's fine, I get that, I by chance got the shitty end of the stick on that story nobody's fault really we didn't know.

Here's the part I'm pissed about: Betty gets a brand new car because she graduated (lucky... I could have soon too if I could have hat her opportunity to go to a 4 year my first year) and Beverly gets to keep MY old room that I gave to her because she's "cleaner?" and they are saing THEY gave it to her now and I didn't? NOT true. I felt Beverly deserved that room when I left because I wasn't going to be in it, and she was in highschool and needed more privacy and I thought I wasn't comming back but for summers. Now she will only be here months at a time and I have to stay in Dearborn because I can't go to State anymore... I don't even want to be here... and my sisters get cars and big rooms and I'm stuck in the kiddy room with mickey and bunk-beds? No. Come on. Really? Shit and the only reason the room I'm in right now is a mess is because it's too small and I hate it it's ugly and I don't care what it looks like because it's rediculous I couldn't be comfortable in there if I wanted with those bunkbeds and no space. My drawing pad doesn't even fit on the floor without any mess! I can't even sit up on those beds I'm too tall... and my old room was a bit messy-very messy depending on stuff because everyone's toys are in my closets and years of shit accumulate and take up space... plus me being 16 didn't help either. I would be SO happy to have that room back. The only thing that's ever on my floor is clothes anyways, it's really not that terrible.

So I'm deciding between staying here with these fucktards or moving out and probably taking LOTS MORE years to finish school because I'd have to work a ton more... and they won't let me take the shitty car they "let me use" (it's falling to pieces and no one uses it but me anyways) if i moved SO I'd be stuck in the Brady (a.k.a. "Shady") Apartments because it's close enough to my school and my job (or hopefully a different job down that street because I can't stand it at Andiamo either it's full of ass holes who work there and the customers are snobby bitches and shit... ugh).

I am not happy and I want to run away. Sadly I know that would just be stupid too.
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hah [Dec. 5th, 2010|12:48 pm]
[mood |lovedlovey dovey poopy puvey]

So I asked HIM to be my boyfriend. Surprising to me, but he changed my mind. He asked me to be his girlfriend like 3 times over the summer and I turned him down, but once I realized that he's the only one I want anyways... and that he probably won't ask me again... I took him out to dinner and told him that I realized he's the only one I really want right now anyways and if he still wants to be my boyfriend I'd like it. Nicest, silliest, most adorable guy I know. Weird. I thought no one would ever change my mind. Hahah he makes me laugh he's such a big fuzzy teddy bear... seriously.

Ew I had a dream that pissed me off the other night though. I was FINALLY having an actual good sex dream... that never happens (they are either akward in the strangest way possible... Example: I'm giving head and the penis grows super long and weird with every movement... or I get too excited when it gets to the good part and I wake up lol >_<). Mmmm in this dream I couldn't see anything yet cuz I had my eyes closed, but it sure felt good. Then I think of Dean and realize that this doesn't feel like him and he's my boyfriend, which means this should not be happening, so I opened my eyes to tell him to stop and this guy was seriously like.... hoooooooooot as fuuuuuuck and I had NO idea who it was but damn I was upset when I woke up like oh come on I was DREAMING!!! That wouldn't have been cheating! *sigh* he was so beautiful...

Well, I was just wishing I was 18 again and realized Beverly is 18!! Awww. I'm gonna take her out to Ann Arbor... or maybe Lansing while I'm at it now that I think about it... well no, I want to take her while I'm on christmas break and it will be dead then I think. Not sure. Either way, we are going to have a night on the town OOOOH AND MAYBE SHE CAN EVEN COME WITH ME FOR NEXT WEEKEND GIRL'S NIGHT!!! With mah ladies we gonna go dancing at shitty club and get waaaasted.! Hellz yea. Well, I guess I should hop in the shower and get my day going.
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"I GOTTA GET OUTTA THIS PLAaAaCE!! AND GO RUNNIN IN OUTTER SPACE OOOOH YEEA!!!" - Alice Cooper lol.. [Sep. 23rd, 2010|12:11 pm]
[mood |stressedstressed]

My birthday is comming up!! I have been experiencing... um... I can't find the word but it sux.

I need an inspiration.
I picked up my guitar 2 weeks ago, before then it was a week ago, and I haven't played since. That time sucked too.. I couldn't get through a song without fucking it up nor could I really feel it and get into it.

WHAT is going on?!?

I haven't been able to draw since I've been home either.

I think that's the problem. It was okay through the summer with guitar and singing, I sing all the time it just comes out and I love music. But now I go to school, then I go to work (stressful job really I don't like it), and I have to come home and... where do I go? I can't go in my room... it's small and I can't even sit on my bunk bed I'm too tall. Even if it was clean I wouldn't want to sit on the floor, that's no fun. So I hang out around the house WHERE THERE'S ALWAYS SCREAMING AND YELLING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! I hate it. It's wearing me down, and I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!! ... Next year I need to find a real job fuck college I'll still go but nowhere near full time if that's what it takes to get out of here. I get home and Dad and Betty are always yelling about stupid shit like letting the dog in or shutting cabinets, the phone, the tv, the stuff on the table, the whateverthefuckisannoyingthemfornoreason!!! GOD PLEASE HELP THEM they need HELP but they don't understand. It's not healthy for them or anyone around them.

I come from an artistic and musical family. We all draw, and play intruments to varying degrees some more musical and others more artistic. Why don't we act like it? I don't want to talk about school and work at the dinner table, can't we inspire eachother and make eachother think and laugh like we used to? Ugh. What happened to making faces and finger wiggling? Yes. Finger...wiggling... I miss the sillyness.

When I was on my own at State I really felt like I was finding myself and growing as a person. I learned something new every day about the word around me and/or myself. My dorm, though a dorm, was my space and I could do whatever I wanted. Walk around naked, draw, sing, play guitar, read... I was free to be me and learn in the way that was best for me. I was forced out of my shell and met tons of people that made me learn about people and myself. For now that's put on hold again and I feel stifled. I can't even remember my dreams, and when I do they're not colorful and strange... they're drab and frustrating in some way.

For my Birthday, I want inspiration. A new muse. And I'm the only one that can give me that and may God help me find it or I may lose my mind. Oh well, lol I'll atleast buy myself a cinnabon. How often to my entries end on the thought of food? 50% of the time? Hah I'm a fat girl at heart.
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No, I cannot rhyme. [Sep. 8th, 2010|10:28 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

With our buildings reaching higher than the clouds sail
Pavement racing through the grounds where beauty should be
Plastic bags and paper crumbs dust this wasteland of humans
Humans that destroy love, eachother, and themselves
We press through going every which way in a spurratic way, adding to the chaos that consumes our world bit by bit.

Helpless we are, due to the fact there are too many
And what do we do to stop ourselves?
One more life, one more destruction
How much does it matter?
Do the math and see for yourself.

But sometimes the heavens peek through the holes in our sky to illuminate what lies below,
And I can see a glimpse of beauty in this city wasteland
Before the clouds roll in and people start their chatter
It goes unnoticed as the phones ring and cars beep
Alarms ring and time goes on on structured wheels

"No one cares for the woods anymore", said Treebeard as he walks through what's left of his woods, the Ent, the Treehearder
The orcs burnt down half of his forest for war and evil
What's left but a few?

Trees can't stand and move,
Trees can't throw rocks and open the floodgates to rid the world of destruction
If only they could.
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Too Many Fucking Zombies... [Sep. 8th, 2010|01:48 pm]
[mood |stressedNO MORE ZOMBIES!!!]
[music |My bird chirping]

How many zombie dreams can I have in my lifetime? Seriously. ONE more last night?? Always a crazy night when zombies are involved. Dude... it started out and I was 9 years old in a classroom, when I decided I needed a shower and all of a sudden I was NAKED so I ran to go find one at that point... but I slipped and bumped my head once I got to one. I went into a coma, and woke up at about my age now and I was on a couch in a house with no windows. Really confused I sat up and found I had grown up a bit and Bev came running in the room "YOU'RE AWAKE!!!" and hugged me and talked about how we moved because of the zombies... paused... and said oh yeah, you don't remember them you've been asleep for a long time. I was like ZOMBIES?!?! And why do I remember bits of highschool and college?? Maybe they were dreams then?? But the thought of Zombies had me too much on edge to care... every corner of the house freaked me out like they were gonna pop out. You never know. Bev started to play with neon ants that were green, yellow, blue... just weird... unnatrual so I started to kill them and I said "WHAT IF THESE ARE ZOMBIE ANTS?!?!" but I guess that was kinda mean cuz she started to cry. I was scared though, and i had just woken up from a 12 year coma, so I was a little freaked!! Besides, she was playing with them on our bed, which just shouldn't happen.

We needed food, so we left the apartment complex with no windows to get in the car. Packed up our guns and got ready to shoot animals out the window. Of course the car has to break down so we start going through the tall overgrown grass to hide from potential prey and zombies. But who finds us? ZOMBIES!!! And they weren't stupid slow "uuuuung" ones. Ooooh no. They were brown and alien looking, kinda like from Dead Space (I will never play that game again now...). They spotted us... and started to creep at us slowly like a preditor stalking it's prey and I was like ooooooh shiiiiit!!! I got Mom's attention so they SCREAM HISSED all high pitch with spit strands flying from their mouth as they LUNGED and ran at high speeds to attack!!! I shot and killed 2, but a 3rd one wouldn't fucking die even though I shot it like 5 times and it ATE MY ARM!!! I turn into a zombie suddenly... which sounded like switching on your sense as a wolf in Zelda Twilight Princess except looked a little more windy... and the zombies looked like people again, except really blue and clear with white eye sockets and no eyeballs. The one that ate me was a guy who looked about 26, but he had dried blood all over him and mine dripping from his chin. He said "There's no more food left here. Everyone move out!".

At this point I really didn't know what to do. I didn't want to add to the zombie population, but should I starve myself? I was considering it... and I saw them attack a cow. My dream got all up close in it's scared face and I heard it MOOOO all freakylike and then I woke up lol...

I don't feel very well rested today.
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Strange Days Have Found Us [Aug. 11th, 2010|11:24 pm]
[mood |lethargicfrazzled]
[music |lol you're just like pez...?]

oooooooh man so my crazy friend who was freaking out in the car in my last entry has gotten crazier and ended up in the psych ward at st mary's hospital. Her cousin says schizophrenia is in the family and usually shows in women in their 20s but hopefully that's not the case even though she's having EXTREME paranoia... like... extreme... dillusions, and just doesn't make sense. She's always been an odd one though, so hopefully she'll get back to her old odd self.

Last night I had a dream that I was writing lyrics to a song called "You're just like pez" and it was supposed to be insulting toward this guy that was like a combination of all the stupid men I've encountered in my lifetime. lol. yea... idk how it went, but obviously he was a pez dispenser??? yes. lol proof that I am also not well in the head, but atleast I don't go around thinking people are going to kill me or convict me of murder or put tracking devices into my bloodstream... I just think stupid men are like pez dispensers somehow. Poor Trisha, I hope she gets better.
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(no subject) [Aug. 5th, 2010|10:30 pm]
[mood |artisticartistic]
[music |About to be myself & my Boris.]

I sat in my hot unairconditioned car with 2 broken windows listening to my friend freak out... like insanely... driving back and forth all day in order to be very unsuccessful and waste gas all day...

But I got a free cedar point ticket and so did she. :-)
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People like sheep led astray [May. 18th, 2010|05:09 pm]
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]

After my day at the bar yesterday and 2 episodes of wifeswap I was thinking about people... being so easily confused and believe things they think are nessisary when... they aren't.

But then there's no way to avoid it... everyone has been led astray from what is real and true. Not that we ever knew in the first place completely. I know I have... sometimes I realize what it was and change it when that Dr. Phil voice in my head says "and how's that workin for ya?" and I say "Not so good Dr. Phil"... but I hate when people don't realize it just cuz their stubborn. Or that they have to get so angry about their opinions... not even just politics but even taste in music. That things have to be so black or white... metaphors taken seriously and literal statemens taken metaphorically... religion being corrupted forcing people to be alienated or controlled and politics... media... conspiracy theories...

Hate causing arguments, distrust, lying, stealing, selfishness, and mind games that poke and prod at people's soul a chip at a time.

What happened to love and curiosity? It's hard to hold on to, but I do my best. I know I had more when I was young... everything was so new and my mind was open, the uncarved block. And really, I think that's what the diciples were saying when they said we like sheep have all gone astray... astray from our childlike state of openness and love... but if God is love and love is our shepard then we wouldn't do all of this harm to eachother. Not that Christians need to be dumb sheep without minds of their own like many of them are... shit I question everything, it's in our nature to do so and have thoughts of our own why deny that? Why deny others? Why even put down others in anger if they're not true? I think it's fun to contemplate other points of view.. try em on... might not keep them but it's fun. HOLY SHIT MY MOM JUST GOT CINNABON CEREAL AND I AM GOING TO EAT IT!!! cinnabon... cereal... what? it has to be delish!

Then the next day *journal edit time*Collapse )
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