|To vent and kill boredom
||[May. 2nd, 2012|06:37 pm]
|||||Bonanza in the background lol||]|
I have picked up a habit at work. I do it about once every time I'm here. I call it "going upsidedowning" lol. I hang off the edge of the guestroom bed upsidedown just to feel the blood rush to my head I get SOOO BORED sometimes being here for 24 hours!!! Thats a long time sometimes!! There is only so much cleaning, cooking, and watching to do. I wouldn't get so bored if he could talk better poor guy mumblestudders and finds talking frustrating now for the most part. He doesn't say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say... lol like an ent. Poor Walter. I wonder what he thinks of his last days, and why his daughters won't take him to Tenesee. He asks me all the time if I will take him to Nashville! He wants me to go too cuz I let him listen to country (no one else likes country... it's okay I think after being exposed to it through family, some weird friends, and the Pet Store and now Walter it's actually growing on me?) (I'm also an in-home caregiver Walter is 86 with althimerz, glaucoma, and mesothelioma probably none of which I can spell right). I have watched SO MANY WESTERNS seriously re-runs of Bonanza too by now. I've seen the episode with Isabella De Lacueata or whatever for the 4th time today lol. Women in westerns are so weird. Gracefully weak might be a way to describe some of them.
The old lady I take care of for a few hours every once in a while, Siiri (92 just had hip surgery after a fall but she is otherwise all there and healthy) let me borrow a book called "Out on a Limb". In the book, she is having an affair with a married man and it made me think of my love life even though... I'm completely honest about all of my men to all of them which is good and bad and would NEVER be able to have an affair like her... but the confusion of different lovers is my dillema. She wrote about her dilemma with her Gary man and it clarified some things for her in the book so I'll give it a shot then.
I'm not fake about it... any of them. I love people, genuinely drawn to Nick and I love getting to know him better as time goes on... I loved Dean, which is why I asked him to be my boyfriend over a year ago. Felt like... I loved him but there is something missing I've always dreamed would be there so maybe I'm not "in love" with him maybe? Broke up with him... but we can't stay apart as long as I am single!!! He hasn't technically been my "boyfriend" since but... aww Dean is Dean and he knows how to pull my heart strings and push my buttons and he's seriously SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH ME I'm scared and don't know what to do with it? He says he'll never love again if he can't have me... and that hurts... but what's missing in him is there in Nick but Nick doesn't love me so strong as Dean, and I won't let myself love Nick that strong yet either. I am not sure if he's holding back too? I would if I were him. We both started seeing eachother out of a fun-lovin spirit, just broke up with serious relations and said we didn't want anything serious but loved the fact we both played guitar and sang well and enjoy many of the same things and have many similarities. As time went on... we grew more attached I felt that but almost like we had walls up out of hesitancy because the other was hesitant so we had to be too? He seems to move at the pace I do... and I'm used to men trying to swallow me whole so idk how to interpret him... sometimes I think he doesn't give a shit and others he shows how much he does... And he said this was about the reason in a very round about way said that he was afraid to say he loved me, but that we belong together and he doesn't want anyone else... we were both wasted at that point and I can't remember his words but I was like wtf does he mean that?!?! AND he will not ask me to be his girlfriend!!! Has he no balls or is he just saying pretty things? Holy shit why does he get jealous then?!? Does he want me to wait for him? I don't want to in case he's playin. Either you want me or you don't then make up your mind... but I told him a long time ago I didn't want a boyfriend but now I feel like there's only one way to find out? But can he love like I do? I'm scared of him in one way, but scared of Dean in the opposite.
Maybe neither of them are "the one" anyways, maybe even probably neither, but serious soap opera including the other flirtations I accumulated while all 3 of us weren't speaking to eachother. I don't like the others as much anyways it always comes back to those 2. If I got to know Jon more then I might be really confused I could really like him a lot, so I'm glad our schedules do not match at all I don't have time for 3. Poor Alex... he's cute but these 2 are stuck in my head! And James is nice... then there's Joe... Never thought I'd have this problem lol holy shit what the fuck do they all like me for anyways? Well... atleast so much? I'm only kinda cute... kinda talented... kinda smart... kinda funny... I'm alright but shiiiiit dude was never prepared for all this. Then Trisha is insane with schizophrenia as of last year, becomes a crazy alcoholic again and we have a terrible intervention for her (yes my friends tried to make an intervention so if that says something about her drinking problem... it was baaaad!) but it didn't work so we are not on speaking terms, and Jenifer hung herself out of post pardum depression!!! I don't feel like talking about those 2 things at work I'd probably cry in Walter's bathroom... I live... in a soap opera. Right now. Love... not even a triangle but some weird ass shape, maybe a scatter plot with a box thingy like in statistics? wisker box? insanity, and death. I'm sure there will atleast be something really weird to learn from it all. There always is. Maybe it's that men actually do have hearts and I need to be more careful with them while I also protect my own? But then whose heart do I keep? I need to just step back and let it happen as it does maybe. Dean makes me feel like a cat running away from a child that wants to hug it too tight... and Nick makes me think the future will be different if he realizes I'm not playin but then again is he playin? Future... eh makes me think it won't change since men don't do well with that... I don't want to sit around and wait for him like a fool! But maybe he won't trust me till I do? Is it worth breaking Dean's heart worse? Oh decisions. TAQUITOS AND BURRITOS ARE BEEPIN IN THE OVEN READY FOR DIN DIN! Food always had me leave livejournal didn't it?